The other day I saw this teddy bear with a smile... do you still call me "Teddy Bear" from up there, 'cause I can still see you smiling... god, I would love to see that smile, and God, I am a little bit jealous of you, because I know you get to. I try to pray, every day, for her family, but sometimes (maybe even most of the time) I forget to. My little sister still cries so much sometimes when she thinks about how much she misses you. And I'm a little bit jealous of that too, you know? Cause I try so hard to lose all control and become as emotionally unstable as possible so that I can feel like I'm feeling release.
I remember the day I deleted your name from my phone. It was hard, and I tried so hard not to cry, but I kept on accidentally calling you too many times after you died cause I missed you, and in some unbelieving corner of my mind, I thought that you might be home.
And I cannot believe that this is happening. You know it's things like this that make me doubt God, but I know that you never did when I whispered him to you. My God, what am I supposed to do? I don't think you doubted him for a moment...
And if only we all had that faith, but I know so many of your friends that went straight to the bottle to take the pain away - AND AS I TAKE ANOTHER SWALLOW we are all collectively the same - I've got to keep myself inside this drunken state to make sure I remember your name when all other feeling floats away. The one thing that's haunting... the one thing that's haunting me are your daddy's eyes.
Do you remember standing outside of your sister's apartment? It was cold and it was nighttime and it was raining pretty hard: the perfect cliche for a first kiss in the dark! Flash back to me standing outside of your hospital door! Your daddy grabbed me by the shoulder - said, "Son, she loved you! and she missed you so much more than you know... and there's no going back now. Are you sure that you want this to be the last memory that you have of her?"
The one thing that's haunting... the one thing that's haunting is your daddy's smile, and the way that I still saw the pain in his eyes when I cried on his shoulder the same way that you used to cry on mine. Said, "I may not be strong enough to let you go, but I'm sure not so weak as to let you go without saying goodbye." Is this really goodbye? The one thing that's encouraging... the one thing that still gives me strength are your daddy's eyes, and the way that he maintained composure while the rest of us broke down and cried. How do you do that? He said, "Always remember her life."
So I will write my cheesy songs that you said you always liked, and I will live to radiate the life that poured out from your insides, and I will try to smile the way you smiled, you beautiful, beautiful, beautiful... beautiful child. And if ever I forget, I know that you loved me all the while... I saw a teddy bear the other day and it reminded me of you - o the end is heaven, and I know you are safe, and I can't wait to get to see you.
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